I Found Tumblr.

Sorry blogger.

http://www.laadotloading.tumblr.com/

But,

You are still for my emotional writings though. Tumblr's just for my 'randominity'. *blank stare* lol.

Where?

I didn't know what to name this post just because I don't know how I'm feeling right now. I logged in twice and logged off. Life is definitely kicking my ass right now.

My question is, What the hell am I suppose to do?

*rubbing away goosebumps*

1. I don't even think I want to go to school anymore. After I graduate from this mediocre college, I am giving school a rest.. A LONG one. I feel like I''m not learning anything. I have no interest to doing homework. I have no interest in nothing academic. ----> Does that make sense?

2. I don't want to reside with my grandmother anymore.. As a matter of fact, I don't want to live with anyone. I want to live alone; That will be the only time I'll be able to breathe comfortably. Unfortunately, I am broke. I can't afford to have my own place and that is slowly killing me. *exaggerated anger face*

3. I deeply despise my job. I have never been so disgusted by an establishment in my life. p.s. My manager could definitely use a trip and fall in mud. *serious face*

-pause-

-play-

Depression starts: 00:00:05.. Counting down slowly.

Dear Mom,

Why were you so eager to send me off to New York City?
I think you wanted me to suffer the consequences of your stupid actions when you were my age. You knew your mother would look at my face and see you. You knew your mother would think since you got pregnant young, I would too. You knew your mother would attempt to drag me out of her house the way she did you because we did not deserve to live here.
So, why did you want me to leave to go to New York City?

Yes. I have been proven that my grandmother despises me because I am my mother's child. I' m tired of the "Oh, She just wants the best for you"s and the "She cares about you ALOT; That's why she's so hard on you"s.. Oh please. This is not the movies, people. She could careless what happens to me. The only reason I think she 'cares' for me so much is because I'm on her taxes... *side eye* My mother did do her share of the dumbest things in the world.. BUT, I am not my mother! I graduated from high school, I have no kids, I am in my 2nd year of college, I have a job, and I am keeping myself well put together, if you ask me.

Shenanigans!
I am always expected to fail.
I am always expected to be with a guy, have mad kids, and watch him leaves.
I am always expected to get kick out of wherever I happen to live.
I am always expected to live off of people.

*Car screeching noise*

See. That's the problem with my grandmother and everyone else in my family. They have this BELIEF that if they help you (with money), support you (with money), spend time with you (spending money on you), and such, that you are obligated to treat them like they are the best family members in the world! uh, Not. *serious face* Keyword here is money, as you can see. I don't recall me having a great relationship with blood relatives. Ever. No one cares to be close anymore.

Then, they hate when you move and don't call...
It's not like they are expecting a "Hey. How are you?"
What they are expecting is, "Lemme hold something."

*blink blink*

My family sucks.
Thanks for helping me to realize this, mom.
Love,
Black Sheep.

Right For Me.

I had an epiphany! *dancing around* <---- in my head, of course.
I am going to dedicate this blog post to my spectacular boyfriend, Isa.

This was influenced by Kela !! Thank you darling..  *smiling extremely hard*
Oh yea. Lemme tell you how and why..

So,

I was reading through some of her previous blog posts about relationships and how ex(es) happened to alter the way you see your new crush/bf.. And that made me realize.. I treat my boyfriend like crap! Honestly, I don't think it is just my exes that are huge factors in that; It is also me as a person. When I am ready, I get overly moody for no reason and flips out on people without giving them a chance to do or say anything. Especially guys. I always think I am right and I get mad when people put me in my place. Especially a boyfriend of mine. Although my previous relationships consisted of me and douchebags, Isa is soo great. Yet, I treat him like he is like the others. I expect him to live up to my high expectations and when he doesn't, I bash him as a whole. fail. I vent after an argument to my best friends and other people and never tell the whole story; just my interpretation which usually leads to things being taken out of context. fail. I make him look like he is such an asshole but.. He does nothing but the best for me and things to keep me happy. I give him such a hard time. fail. He's trying.. And I get mad and forget why I fell in love with him in the first place. He spends so much time with me, he helps me with practically ANYTHING, he expresses to me how much he loves me and will never leave, and it's like I just continue to kick him in the balls.

I'm not being as good as a companion to him as he is to me! I really am not. *sinks lower into bed*

He has never hit me.. Called me out of my name.. Cheated on me.. Lied to me.. Nothing. And I am sure of it. But, I made people think otherwise. I cannot go back and change what I have said nor do I think I could change their minds about him. But, at the end of the day, I know the real Isa. I know he loves me. I know he won't hurt me. I know he will be here for the rest of my life G*d-willingly. I know he is being so sincere and that he is committed to me but, I keep pushing the BEST GUY EVER away. Outside of him being an awesome boyfriend, he is a great person. Friendly. Funny. Wise. G*d-fearing. He values his life, his family, his job.. ME!! He's helpful...LOOK. He's bascially all that I could ever ask for. What the hell am I DOING?! He has not done anything wrong. But, I overthink things and wonder why he is being so great.. Why is he treating me so good.. Why do I even think the relationship is going to suck.. (once again. Thank you Kela.)

Every couple argues and talk major shit but, a simple 'I love you' could change everything. Wait. He has always told me that if I simply tell him I love him and kiss him, he won't be mad anymore. OMGeezzz. Look how many arguments could have been prevented!! Me and my enormous mouth!! Ugh. *slaps forehead*

All I have to say is , I LOVE ISA ALI KHALID SHAMMAKH!!! My beautiful Yemeni man. *giggling* And I need to do (and am willing to do) is improve my girlfriend-ing skills. Don't judge me. When he calls me tonight, I'm going to let my heart pour out like his favorite soda.. Pepsi. What does that have to do with this? I'm so random!

Now, I'll end this post with the gazillion text messages one of my best friends sent me about my epiphany. (I love you Krissy.)

"he loves you through it all.. and in a relationship you guys have to uplift each other on the things that you lack and that he lacks.."
"youre scared to actually be his and be positive because you were rejected when loving or caring for someone.."
"all of this you do unto him is because you never had this kind of love or care in your life someone who wants to make you happy even when you have brought him down.."
"i knew all of this when i first met you and i was waiting for you to come and say something like how isa is waiting for you to love him how he's loving you.."
"he doesnt expect anything but your unconditional love.."
"...let love run its course.."
"you guys have implemented something in each other that will be there for a lifetime.."

Nigger.

The term nigger  is now probably the most offensive word in English. Its degree of offensiveness has increased markedly in recent years, although it has been used in a derogatory manner since at least the Revolutionary War. Definitions 1a, 1b, and 2 represent meanings that are deeply disparaging and are used when the speaker deliberately wishes to cause great offense. Definition 1a, however, is sometimes used among African-Americans in a neutral or familiar way. Definition 3 is not normally considered disparaging—as in “The Irish are the niggers of Europe” from Roddy Doyle's The Commitments —but the other uses are considered contemptuous and hostile.

Slang: Extremely Disparaging and Offensive.

  

a black person.

a member of any dark-skinned people.

a person of any race or origin regarded as contemptible, inferior, ignorant, etc.  

a victim of prejudice similar to that suffered by blacks;

a person who is economically, politically, or socially disenfranchised.

a hidden snag or hindrance

 

"Woman is the nigger of the world." (I'll get back to this in a later post.)

 

Now, can someone tell me what I just read (referring to the things underlined)? Also, watch the following video and tell me what I just saw and heard.

 

http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhTj4tURKq3GPTX5l3

 

OK.That damn girl had some nerve posting that video to the internet. Number two, look at the definiton I found on dictionary.com. *raised eyebrow*

 

I am speechless, honestly. I am mad. I can't put together a rational statement of what I would like to say. My mind is scrambled up with so many comebacks to this NIGGER thing. I don't know anymore. *shaking my head* 

 

I personally believe Nigger needs to be removed from the dictionary.

 

First off, the whole meaning is a contradiction. The top meaning of nigger is 'a black person'. So, as you continue reading, why do you come upon persons OF ANY OTHER RACE OR ORIGIN? Persons who are dark-skinned, who suffered prejudice like blacks, who are contemptible, inferior, ignorant, etc., and who are economically, poltically, or socially disenfranchised. Then there is a 'hidden snag' or 'hindrance'. Wow.

 

Are those the characteristics of a black person?

Are blacks low, mean, worthless, abdominable, disgusting, abhorrent, etc.?

Are blacks the only race that have suffered from the deprivation of rights and citzenship in this country?

Are blacks a hindrance to society?

 

Would that girl be considered a nigger because of her act of ignorance?

 

*silence* 

 

 

Overloved- Raven Symone.

Overloved, huh?
Sounds a bit crazy and might get annoying after a while.

The typical fairytale-like dream of a teenage girl has been put into a musical composition..
Where everything revolved around her and everyone loves the shit out of her. uh.
Hmm..
Listening to this song opens my eyes to what my life may just lack : love and the sense of belonging.
(excluding the fact that she is basically speaking of a guy)
Not just  love but, insight to what my purpose is in everyone else's lives. Sometimes, I feel no one needs me and that I am a waste of space.
 Someone told me that before. *cough* mother. *cough*.
Although I have my own life to live, I like, as Juno says, being a piece of furniture in someone else's life.
It's funny but, I am serious.

Where is my place in your life? What do I do for you? What do you get from me being in your life emotionally?

About 34% of myself does not care, but there still is the 66%...

Odd much?

I know. *smiles then takes sip of Coca Cola*

Room For Rent?

When will my boyfriend ever understand that once I wake myself up to speak to him one in the morning, I'm ready to talk? So what if I have school. I went to sleep early just so I could talk to you and not have to worry about needing extra hours of sleep... *adjusting pillow behind my head*

Now, I am WIDE AWAKE.

The blog post title?
Right.

I need to remove myself from where I am staying. I reside with family members who have made it slear to me that I have prolonged my stay. Mentally, I'm ready to take on the challenges of having my own place and paying bills. But, I have no physical encouragement. Plus, who going to tell a 19-year-old they are ready to be on their own just because they sound mature? I've seen a lot of girls living on their own from younger ages, but how the hell are they doing it? How did they just get a place and not pay as much or whatever?

But,

Then I noticed... They had a child or kids..
I go to the wackiest school and have the wackiest job in the world..
Can I afford to live on my own?

Welpp,
According to the financial advisor at school, an apartment is way out of my league. (thanks bitch. you're great.) This past weekend has shown me that it is time for me to find my way out of hell. Pronto. I cannot continue to live with distance between my "family". My reasoning for the on-quote off-quote is the simple fact that family is not suppose to make you feel out of place. Family does not throw your past back in your face because they cannot get their way. Family does not call you out of your name then be mad that someone else does..
THE POINT IS, I have to go. Immediately. Being the black sheep of this family has gotten old. I'm ready for newer and better things. I hate that fact that I feel like I have no home. I think I just come to a place and sleep, eat, bathe, and comb my hair. *blank stare*

The only place I think I'll ever call home is my OWN place.
The only family I think I'll ever have is if I have a kid or something.
The only encouragement I have is from G*D. Screw my boyfriend.

He wants to 'help' me but, he's taking too long. Just slowing up my progress.. I need out, boy! Can't you see?!

Room for rent? Apartment for rent? Better life for rent? Forget mine..